An 'As I Have Loved You' Marriage.....

Like many couples this scripture was read at our wedding. I did not understand the words related to a relationship, I never had a good example of love in relationships or I never noticed it if there was. I went into marriage with a love for my new husband, the only love I knew but definitely NOT this one! I was not patient, I wasn't always kind. I envied others 'normal' relationships a lot and my pride was thick. I was defensive therefore dishonoring my husband. I was ALWAYS selfish, it was all about me right? Oh the anger...and the lists of HIS wrongdoings was long. Evil was normal for me, truth was evasive and manipulated. Protection was only for me and rarely then. I trusted no one, not even myself. I had no hope, only the moments. I persevered in very little. Love always failed for me.

Yes, I had set myself up for a great marriage. I knew no different. I was just going through the motions of hoping my husband loved me enough that all my shortcomings didn't make him leave. I waited everyday for him to figure out who I really was and pack up and bolt. We started having children, our first son came a little less than two years after we were married, another less than two years after the first.

My husband began a job that took him away a lot. The doubt and fears engulfed me. He would be away find a better life a better wife. I panicked. My mind ran away with many negative thoughts and my anxiety was running out of control. My anxiety and negative thoughts convinced me, along with voices from the past, that I would never be a good mom. During a three year period we lost three babies, another failure on my part. Who could love me? God didn't love me enough to make my life good. I couldn't do it, life. I was not suicidal but I did begin to sabotage my life. Making the time with my husband miserable for him. I might as well run him off he was going to run anyway.

When we were living in Venezuela I became pregnant again. I prayed and prayed that God would let me have this little miracle, I would do better. I bargained and bartered with God. I would do many things if He would just let me have this angel. I had my third baby boy after we had returned to the States. What a miracle he was! Then the marriage started to crumble, it really had been crumbling for years. We moved again and again during our marriage and the move during this time only moved us farther apart in our marriage, at least I moved farther away emotionally.

I couldn't take it any longer. I was done fighting. What I didn't realize was I was fighting myself not him. I was fighting God not my husband. I was fighting negative thoughts and anxiety that I had no clue how to control. We separated. My life was exactly what I thought it was going to be, a disaster. This was confirmed by those closest to me. They knew I would fail, I always failed. My life was spiraling out of control. I would put the boys to bed and drink until I couldn't stay awake. Then I would suffer through the next day only to return to the bottle the next night.

One night while sitting on my back porch drinking I realized I needed help. I began to see a psychologist. She was nice but I knew in my heart she thought I was a failure too. One day during a session she asked me a question that changed the trajectory of my life and the life of my family. She asked, "When in your life have you felt peace?" I told her the story of attending a church with friends and giving my life to the Lord. She asked if I still went to church, and I told her the story of my family laughing at me when I returned home, "God doesn't love people like you," was the going theme among them. She had a tear in her eye.

That day she suggested that I return to church. I did the very next Sunday. Over the next year I began to see changes in my life and my attitude. The same psychologist suggested that my husband and I work on our friendship, the beginning of our relationship was being friends. We began to work on our friendship. He began to notice the change in me. I began to love, to love like 1Corinthians 13. I became more patient and kind. I was happy about what I had not upset about what others had. I began to honor my husband and care about him more than myself. My anger subsided and the wrongs were forgiven, both his and mine. I was learning the truth, the truth of God, His protection and trust and hope and perseverance. His love NEVER fails. My husband saw God's love shining through the boys and me, he gave his life to the Lord and accepted all His love.

For the past sixteen years we have worked on our marriage, not with an occasional class or suggestions but daily. We pray together, we talk, we sacrifice, we trust and protect. We don't just work on our marriage we preserve it. We keep it, safeguard it, shield it, uphold it, defend it. We love like Christ!

All those years ago I never knew the concept of Christ-like love. My husband knew more than I. I just never allowed him to love me unconditionally. I accepted none of it crushed under the failure, the anxiety the negative thoughts. Once I received the love of Christ and allowed His Glory to shine through my life I was able to receive the love of my husband. I am honored that he believed in me and loved me enough to wait, to protect, to honor.

....."As I Have Loved You".....

....Christ-like Love.....

Are there areas of your life that you need to surrender? Anxiety, Negative Thoughts? What ways are you trying to do that? Have you asked God to help you? Do you want me to pray for you? I will!!!!

Please write your prayer request below in the comments and we can pray together!