An 'As I Have Loved You' Marriage.....

Like many couples this scripture was read at our wedding. I did not understand the words related to a relationship, I never had a good example of love in relationships or I never noticed it if there was. I went into marriage with a love for my new husband, the only love I knew but definitely NOT this one! I was not patient, I wasn't always kind. I envied others 'normal' relationships a lot and my pride was thick. I was defensive therefore dishonoring my husband. I was ALWAYS selfish, it was all about me right? Oh the anger...and the lists of HIS wrongdoings was long. Evil was normal for me, truth was evasive and manipulated. Protection was only for me and rarely then. I trusted no one, not even myself. I had no hope, only the moments. I persevered in very little. Love always failed for me.

Yes, I had set myself up for a great marriage. I knew no different. I was just going through the motions of hoping my husband loved me enough that all my shortcomings didn't make him leave. I waited everyday for him to figure out who I really was and pack up and bolt. We started having children, our first son came a little less than two years after we were married, another less than two years after the first.

My husband began a job that took him away a lot. The doubt and fears engulfed me. He would be away find a better life a better wife. I panicked. My mind ran away with many negative thoughts and my anxiety was running out of control. My anxiety and negative thoughts convinced me, along with voices from the past, that I would never be a good mom. During a three year period we lost three babies, another failure on my part. Who could love me? God didn't love me enough to make my life good. I couldn't do it, life. I was not suicidal but I did begin to sabotage my life. Making the time with my husband miserable for him. I might as well run him off he was going to run anyway.

When we were living in Venezuela I became pregnant again. I prayed and prayed that God would let me have this little miracle, I would do better. I bargained and bartered with God. I would do many things if He would just let me have this angel. I had my third baby boy after we had returned to the States. What a miracle he was! Then the marriage started to crumble, it really had been crumbling for years. We moved again and again during our marriage and the move during this time only moved us farther apart in our marriage, at least I moved farther away emotionally.

I couldn't take it any longer. I was done fighting. What I didn't realize was I was fighting myself not him. I was fighting God not my husband. I was fighting negative thoughts and anxiety that I had no clue how to control. We separated. My life was exactly what I thought it was going to be, a disaster. This was confirmed by those closest to me. They knew I would fail, I always failed. My life was spiraling out of control. I would put the boys to bed and drink until I couldn't stay awake. Then I would suffer through the next day only to return to the bottle the next night.

One night while sitting on my back porch drinking I realized I needed help. I began to see a psychologist. She was nice but I knew in my heart she thought I was a failure too. One day during a session she asked me a question that changed the trajectory of my life and the life of my family. She asked, "When in your life have you felt peace?" I told her the story of attending a church with friends and giving my life to the Lord. She asked if I still went to church, and I told her the story of my family laughing at me when I returned home, "God doesn't love people like you," was the going theme among them. She had a tear in her eye.

That day she suggested that I return to church. I did the very next Sunday. Over the next year I began to see changes in my life and my attitude. The same psychologist suggested that my husband and I work on our friendship, the beginning of our relationship was being friends. We began to work on our friendship. He began to notice the change in me. I began to love, to love like 1Corinthians 13. I became more patient and kind. I was happy about what I had not upset about what others had. I began to honor my husband and care about him more than myself. My anger subsided and the wrongs were forgiven, both his and mine. I was learning the truth, the truth of God, His protection and trust and hope and perseverance. His love NEVER fails. My husband saw God's love shining through the boys and me, he gave his life to the Lord and accepted all His love.

For the past sixteen years we have worked on our marriage, not with an occasional class or suggestions but daily. We pray together, we talk, we sacrifice, we trust and protect. We don't just work on our marriage we preserve it. We keep it, safeguard it, shield it, uphold it, defend it. We love like Christ!

All those years ago I never knew the concept of Christ-like love. My husband knew more than I. I just never allowed him to love me unconditionally. I accepted none of it crushed under the failure, the anxiety the negative thoughts. Once I received the love of Christ and allowed His Glory to shine through my life I was able to receive the love of my husband. I am honored that he believed in me and loved me enough to wait, to protect, to honor.

....."As I Have Loved You".....

....Christ-like Love.....

Are there areas of your life that you need to surrender? Anxiety, Negative Thoughts? What ways are you trying to do that? Have you asked God to help you? Do you want me to pray for you? I will!!!!

Please write your prayer request below in the comments and we can pray together!

Oh the blessings....

Top 10 Reasons to step out in Faith and do what God is calling you to do.....

Recently I have spoken at events hosted by Baseball Chapel and Pro Athletes Outreach, two amazing organizations that support men and women in baseball. They are Christian organizations that come along side us and provide Chapel during the baseball season and a conference in the off season. We have a unique life in Baseball and are blessed to have such great support.

I have spoken at a couple of Spring Women's Events over the past couple of years and did so somewhat reluctantly. Who would want to hear me speak? What do I have to say? Then God had His say. I was asked again and I stepped out in faith to speak at all three events in Florida.

Amazing what I learned by stepping out in faith....

1. Blessings flow...

"Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow." James 1:17NLT

2. Fear is squashed....not in the beginning of stepping out in Faith but as a result!

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2Timothy 1:7 KJV

3. I get to enjoy other women in baseball!!!

"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17

4. God shows up!

"For Scripture says to Pharaoh: "I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth." Romans 9:17

5. Encouragement for one and all!

 "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." 

1 Thessalonians 5:11

6. Joy....such Joy!!!

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

7. Laughs and tears....together.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." Romans 12:15

8. Amazing prayers!

"For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them." Matthew 18:20

9. Love...lots and lots of love....

“Love one another as I have loved you, so you must love one another.” John 13:34 

10. Peace in Serving Jesus!!!

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

I stepped out in faith and obedience and was overwhelmed by the love of Christ and the women in baseball. 

"And this is love: that we walk in obedience to His commands. As you have heard from the beginning, His command is that you walk in love." 2 John 1:6 

And ultimately I continue to serve Jesus because one day I want to hear....

"‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your Master’s happiness!’”

My Writing Journey and The Deafening Negativity....

My writing journey is such a blessing in my life. Being able to share the things that God puts on my heart and how He is transforming my life is such a joy, when I choose it to be.

In my past I have had a great deal of negative words spoken over me. People believing that negative words and negative criticism made people work harder or try to be better. In my humble opinion, THAT CRAP DON'T WORK!!!! (read that in a deep Southern drawl!)  The only thing that it changed in my life was continual thoughts of deafening negativity.

Negative words cause a lifetime of pain and self-doubt! One of the people who was most abusive with words, also told me, 'If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.'  Those opposing ideas coming from the same person was very confusing, especially for a child. People threw around negative words like daggers. These abusive people left the daggers laying about while blaming the one they were abusing. This has set me up over the years to dread any type of criticism, negative or positive. All criticism to me has felt like abuse and sends me into a spiral of shutting down and blocking out all people.

Then God called me to write. Any of us who have ever written and put it out there for all to see knows that there is criticism. Most that critique our work are kind and encouraging and then there are those that don't have as much tact. Thankfully most of my responses have been positive. However, I have learned through these negative responses, how to thicken my skin!

The first way I began to thicken my skin is knowing that God is in control.

With the knowledge that God has a plan for me and that plan is to spiritually prosper me and NOT to harm me, I can live in confidence that I am protected! No matter the arrows of negativity that come at me God's plans will prevail.  

The next thickening of my skin came with throwing up my hands and saying 'Whatever!'

Think about such things! I replaced the deafening negativity with things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable and praiseworthy. Glorifying Him in all that I do each day. 

Replacing the deafening negativity with the Word of God and His guidance, retraining my thoughts and seeking to Glorify Him I continue to write and enjoy the words that flow forth.

What have you done to quiet the deafening negativity?

Do Not Neglect the Gift....

As I head even closer to the empty nest I have been evaluating and praying about the direction God wants me to go. I have embraced that He has sent me toward the path of writing. I have many confirmations that this is the path I am to follow at this time. However, I still find my self doubting and wallowing in fear that I cannot be a writer. The thing is that I am a writer. I sit in front of my computer and write, therefore I am a writer. I have wasted time by questioning if I am good enough. But how will I know if I am good enough if I don't put myself out there? I waste time with fear that not everyone will like what I write. Does everyone agree with or like everything? NO! Fear stops me mid-writing that I may get an unkind remark related to my writing. Do I stop writing the the 'what if'?

I had to have a hard conversation with myself. I had to stop living in fear, wasting time, money and mental bandwidth on worrying about the what if's and the failure possibilities. I needed to wake up, look up and put my focus on Him. I began to move forward in the path He has called me to follow. To write for Him and leave the results to Him is what He is calling me to do.

In Matthew 25 we see the man who has been given the one talent and buried it, hid it away, for safe keeping. He didn't nurture it or work to make it grow. He was so afraid he would lose it he neglected it. He allowed fear to motivate him.

Being motivated by fear stops us from using the gifts that God has given us. We neglect the gift by not allowing it to grow in our lives. If I were to continue to live in fear that I may not be a good enough writer or that some people may not like what I write then I would be neglecting the gift that I feel God has given me. Instead I want my life to reflect God's glory by being obedient and leaving the results to Him.

I am committing to being obedient and to do what He has called me to do. What talent or gift do you feel God has given you that you may not be nurturing and allowing to grow to Glorify Him? What changes can you make today that will allow your life to be an example of the life changing power of the Gospel?